Why Bother with Defining "Good Guys?"

Before I could figure out how to steer my kids to adulthood, I had to first define the result – a “good guy.” What makes someone a “good guy?” Are there really good guys and bad guys or does moral relativism prevail? Am I simply being a judgmental bigot by framing my existence in such terms or can I really tell the difference between right and wrong? Does a moral foundation really matter, let alone exist?

What Makes a “Good Guy” Good?

In coming up with what constituted a good guy, I thought about my favorite people and what I liked about them. This resulted in a list that hung on my refrigerator door for years. I kept refining the list so it would get to the simplest underlying precepts. It synthesized into tidbits like:

Lots of goodies in there. Who wouldn’t love a teacher with that perspective?

Does your teenager calling a classmate her frienemy appall you? Look to your own social life to see if a nemesis keeps popping up in conversation, let alone in your behavior. Again, they will do as you do. Do you drink? Smoke? Eat poorly? Flit from honey to honey? Lack follow-through? Lose your temper? Gossip? Whatever your vice, your children are taking notes.

 The Goal of Parenthood

While feeling the crush of responsibility as a new mother, I pondered what my goals were as a parent. There were the obvious feeding, clothing, and sheltering of my children, but once I met those needs what came next? I initially thought that keeping my children happy was the next most important responsibility. Wrong! I knew enough about myself to know that true happiness came from within, so taking on that task on would be futile.

Then I thought the most important thing I could do for my children was to give them every imaginable experience. That led to mountains of unused educational toys, dance and music lessons, nature school, soccer, summer camps, play dates, dress-ups, and story times at the library – you get the picture. Each of you has your own list. I found this led to a stressed family with over-booked kids who didn’t know how to entertain themselves. Certainly, that couldn’t be a goal of parenting.

Like the good student and professional that I was before children, I was on a quest to be the best mom ever. After lots of soul searching, self-help book reading, and discussions with fellow moms, I still needed to figure out the ultimate goal of parenting. If it wasn't making my kids happy, giving them what they wanted, or providing them with every imaginable experience, then what was my prime directive?

It took my second daughter to alter my frame of reference. After identifying some medical and learning issues, I urgently had to zero in on what was the goal of parenting this particular kid. There was nothing like a child with challenges to change my focus, and then it finally hit me. It was so simple. My goal as a parent was to produce adults who could function and succeed in the world. The rest would just naturally fall into place, because without being functional, how would they ever be happy? They need to know how to take care of themselves and their families, have friends, and live responsibly in the world around them – in a nutshell, to be one of the good guys.