Posted by
PulgaBucky on Friday, March 06, 2009 1:50:01 PM
Why Bother with Defining "Good Guys?"
Before I could figure out how to steer my kids to adulthood, I had to first define the result – a “good guy.” What makes someone a “good guy?” Are there really good guys and bad guys or does moral relativism prevail? Am I simply being a judgmental bigot by framing my existence in such terms or can I really tell the difference between right and wrong? Does a moral foundation really matter, let alone exist?
Pretty heady stuff, but I had to come up with opinions before I could ever parent. Notice I said opinions and not answers. Dealing with these questions leads to beliefs that some base on faith, others on observation, and many simply on tradition. However you get there, many of the principles I believe are necessary to raise self-sufficient children can commonly be found from the Torah to the teachings of Confucius. Why? Because they produce “good guys,” and, if that’s your goal, you need to understand the rules and principles used to get there.
Living a principled life leaves ambiguity to a minimum. While not always easy to follow, living by your internal moral compass leads to peace of mind. At least you know how you arrived where you are as the result of your own choices. Good guys have no room for the blame game.
What Makes a “Good Guy” Good?
In coming up with what constituted a good guy, I thought about my favorite people and what I liked about them. This resulted in a list that hung on my refrigerator door for years. I kept refining the list so it would get to the simplest underlying precepts. It synthesized into tidbits like:
- Be nice.
- Be truthful.
- Be helpful.
It’s hard to argue with any of those. Just watch some old westerns if you have any questions. As a mom, one of my favorites has always been, "If you make a mess, clean it up."
My daughter had a teacher who displayed the Five Great Rules on the bulletin board in the classroom where the alphabet would normally have hung. They were:
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Act with a kind heart.
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Love what is good.
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Be of help to all.
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Learn to love the truth.
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To do good is difficult.
Lots of goodies in there. Who wouldn’t love a teacher with that perspective?
How do children learn to live by these, or any, rules? That’s the hard part. We as parents, especially primary care givers (usually mothers), need to model these behaviors so our children learn by our example. We parents are our children’s first and most influential teachers. How we live will be the foundation upon which they build their lives. It’s worth understanding what that foundation is.
I always remember hearing in old movies, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Well, we all know how well that works. I like to turn around that adage and say, “You’ll do as I do no matter what I say.” Remember this the next time you find yourself nagging. Our words end up sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher, just a bunch of rhythmic noise, and no one wants to be perceived that way.
Your children will do as you do. Do you want them to be kind? Be kind to them, even when you feel like smacking them or throwing away their favorite toy. Control yourself, take a deep breath, and act with a kind heart. Remember, no matter what you say, they will do as you do.Does your teenager calling a classmate her frienemy appall you? Look to your own social life to see if a nemesis keeps popping up in conversation, let alone in your behavior. Again, they will do as you do. Do you drink? Smoke? Eat poorly? Flit from honey to honey? Lack follow-through? Lose your temper? Gossip? Whatever your vice, your children are taking notes.
Now turn the table. Do you care for your aging relatives? Do you bring in your neighbor’s mail while they vacation? What about the food drive at school? Is your road to hell paved with good intentions or good deeds? The more you practice the Five Great Rules, the more your children will learn how to be one of the "good guys." You set the tone. Model what you think is right. Just like Dorothy Law Nolte so clearly expressed in her poem, children do learn what they live.
Live a life worth repeating.